


To Each Their Own | Lams

by goldpeak



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Abusive Parents, Abusive Relationships, Alexander Hamilton - Freeform, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Teachers, Anxiety, F/F, F/M, John Laurens - Freeform, Lams - Freeform, M/M, Nightmares, PTSD, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Warnings May Change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-29
Updated: 2018-02-03
Packaged: 2019-03-11 02:44:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13515042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldpeak/pseuds/goldpeak
Summary: Alex is an APUSH teacher with self-destructive tendencies, a turbulent past and an addiction to work. John is the brand-new APEURO teacher with crippling anxiety, more nightmares than dreams, and an affinity for scratching up his own wrists.When the two meet, the entire history department assumes that hell will break loose, but in a surprising turn of events the two become fast friends- and maybe, eventually, something more. Can Alex keep himself alive long enough to see his projects and ambitions through? Can John push past his anxiety and make the life for himself that he’s always wanted to have?





	1. A Fresh Start

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we go. warning, there will be TW for basically every single chapter.
> 
> this one, self-harm and flashbacks.
> 
> this is much, much, MUCH darker than my previous story (Not) A Chance In Hell... uh, well. if it's darker, i can write more hurt/comfort. also, if it's darker, i can literally just use this story as an outlet for my vent-work and it'll fit right in.

John had hoped this year would be a fresh start.

He’d really hoped for that.

He’d spent the entire summer lesson planning, decorating his classroom, preparing for the first year of the rest of his life.

He felt stupid, now.

He had thought that this new job could erase all of his past traumas. He’d been working for this job since he was in highschool- teaching history was his dream job.

A bit of a lousy dream job.

George had certainly thought so.

_“A history teacher?” he sneered. “Teaching? That’s gay. At least teach something useful, like, wrestling.”_

John sucked in another shuddering breath before tipping his head back. He was sat on the cold floor of his bathroom, the poorly-painted cabinets behind him bearing all his weight.

He hadn’t felt anxious about the following day- the first day of his brand-new teaching career- until a solid 5 minutes ago. He’d prepared for this. Researched, planned, studied. He had a Bachelors’ degree in history with a minor in education. He’d been a sub a year. He was ready for this.

Right?

He pushed up his right sleeve, the maroon jacket sliding up his thin arm easily- and flipped over his wrist to gaze upon the abrasion on the inside of it.

He had scraped himself on the wrist, just a little cat-scratch, the other day. Then he’d proceeded to startle awake from a nightmare the same night and scratch madly at it for no reason whatsoever other than the fact that he was panicking and this pain felt good.

If he scratched fast enough, the pain blurred out and it didn’t hurt until he stopped.

He pulled his sleeve back down, ignoring the familiar feeling that was eerily rising in his stomach.

He hauled himself to his feet and left his bathroom, crossing the small hallway to his equally-small bedroom. Glancing at his alarm clock, he was dismayed to find the time to be 11 PM. He had to get up at 5 AM.

The young man slipped out of his jacket and pulled on a long-sleeve t-shirt. He flipped off the lights in his room and climbed into bed, ignoring that his cheeks were still wet with tears, before sidling up to the wall his bed was braced against and clutching all his blankets close to him- in front of him, as if shielding him from some not-present enemy.

The alarm went off, blaringly loud, at 5 AM the next morning. The windows in his room doing nothing to illuminate his surroundings, John slapped at the clock until it went off. He swung his legs over the edge of his bed- stretched his arms up high and yawned loudly- before realizing what was happening that day and feeling a rock physically descend into his gut.

Stiffly, he rose to his feet and shuffled over to his closet, shivering a bit. It was August in Chicago, nothing too cold, but not warm at 5 AM.

He pulled out a pair of black jeans, some black boots and a hunter green button up. He debated a suit jacket, but decided he didn’t want to look like he was trying too hard on his first day.

He changed quickly, only struggling a little to tuck in his shirt, and threaded a black belt through the loops on his jeans.

Running a hand through his unruly hair, he cursed himself for deciding to shower last night as he knew now that his hair would be close to untamable.

With only one option left, he grabbed a hairband and his brush and began to try and wrestle the mass of curls into a rubber band. He was moderately successful, and his hair cooperated with him for the most part- aside from a few unruly strands that he figured he could play off as intentionally messy.

He pulled leftover oatmeal out of the fridge and stuffed it down his throat- not feeling very hungry, but aware that he hadn’t eaten in at least a day- before grabbing his briefcase, phone and wallet, and setting out into the city.

He barely made it to the bottom floor of his apartment before he felt the highest degree of panic he’d felt in a while set in.

Fingers physically trembling, he’d forced himself to walk out into the brightening sky and all the way over to the bus stop. He’d stood there awkwardly until the 6:00 bus had come and he’d gotten on without a second glance at the driver, trying to keep his breathing even because he didn’t want to deal with a panic attack a mere hour and a half before his very first class.

He had managed to steady his breathing by the time the bus reached his stop. He got off, briefcase in hand, and stared up at the tall building that read ‘Liberty High School’ on the front of it.

A large placard with signs on it stood nearby, but John knew where he was going, so he set off. He stepped into the lobby of the building, walking straight ahead and out the back of it to the courtyard that also served as the center of the highschool.

Surrounded by tall buildings and in the near-midst of downtown Chicago, Liberty High had managed to section off a fair amount of space for itself and its’ students. The campus was fairly large and each subject had its own block of classrooms, scattered around a large courtyard with trees and greenery.

A few groups of students were scattered around, but not many, seeing as how the first bell wouldn’t ring for an hour.

John instantly set off on the path he had taken to get to his classroom over the summer, when he’d been preparing- and suddenly, this time, everything felt much more real and John felt much more scared.

He passed a group of students, his gaze locked onto the ground as he tried to take rhythmic steps- because he couldn’t stumble, couldn’t falter-.

_“Can’t even walk straight. Look at you. Weak, little boy. Come on. Man up!”_

George’s voice echoed inside John’s head and he stiffened, tilting his chin up and striding forward.

As he walked past the group of kids, he heard a few whispers- “Who’s that?” and “Is he new?”

Even though the words weren’t nasty in themselves, John’s chest tightened and he walked a bit faster.

He finally let out his breath when his classroom door clicked shut behind him.

He scanned the room after flipping on the lights, pleased to see it was exactly how he left it- aside from a little white poster sitting on the desk.

Curious, he set his briefcase under the wooden desk and grabbed the poster off the top of it.

It read:

_Mr. John Laurens_

_AP European History_

_#1754_

Smiling to himself, he realized that he’d seen these posters in the windows of all the other teachers’ doors over the summer. Since he was new, he figured his had been dropped off in his room over the past couple days.

He took a few pieces of tape and stuck the poster to the inside of his window, text facing the glass.

He then walked over to his chair and plopped down, hands spreading out over the wood of his desk and he inhaled deeply.

Maybe everything would work out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> boring first chapter. not too dark. it'll change. i don't know how often updates for this will be, i'm thinking tri-weekly? i could do daily if you all want that enough. what do you think? let me know please.
> 
> in the next chapter we meet alex. <3


	2. Odd One Out

John had intended on staying in his room until the first bell, but after only a few minutes, he grew restless. He had fiddled with all the little things on his desk- from his desktop to the pencils in his little mason jar that his little sister had decorated for him.

At 6:45 he stood up abruptly and left his room, the door slamming behind him. He made his way to the teacher’s lounge, and praying that no one was in there, pushed the door inwards.

He was pleased to find only one teacher sat on the crappy couch in the corner.

He didn’t see John when he walked in, so the latter took the opportunity to look him over.

John couldn’t get a grasp on his height, as he was sat on the couch with his knees to his chest- in a rather juvenile position, John thought- but just the build of his body- mainly his broad shoulders- led John to believe that he commanded authority everywhere he went.

His hair was long and black, loose to frame a chiseled face with a sharp jaw and handsome features. Warm brown eyes traced the words of the document the man was holding, but as John stared for longer, they flicked up.

John’s heart stuttered- he wasn’t really intending on engaging in any social contact until first period- but he couldn’t just up and leave now, could he.

“You must be John Laurens!” the boy chirped, leaping off the couch and walking excitedly over to John.

The latter’s eyes widened in fear and he shrunk back, the boisterous energy around the boy startling him.

The boy seemed to instantly recognize the change in John’s demeanor- much to the latter’s surprise- as he let his shoulders droop and lowered the volume of his voice.

“Sorry. I was hoping to run into you. Washington told me you’re the new AP Euro teacher?” the boy asked- John still didn’t know his name- and then tilted his head curiously as he waited for a reply.

A wad of papers was held loosely in his hand, which dangled by his side.

“Hi! Yes, I’m John Laurens,” John hurried to introduce himself, sticking out a hand awkwardly.

As the man shook John’s hand, he noticed that his hand was surprisingly soft.

Not relevant.

“I know,” the other man laughed- and despite his words having the chance of coming off as creepy, John wasn’t bothered. “I’m Alexander Hamilton. I teach APUSH.”

“Good to meet you, Alexander.”

John didn’t stutter, so he counted that as a small victory.

“You look like you need coffee,” Alexander said, surprisingly softly. “Let me make you some?”

John, a bit taken aback by his kindness, only nodded with a smile. “Thanks, Alexander.”

Something darkened in Alexander’s eyes and he froze. “Call me Alex, please.”

“Sorry. ‘Alex’ it is,” John hurried to correct himself, recognizing the feeling Alex had experienced in that second when he had frozen- as John had felt it before, himself.

“How do you take your coffee?” Alex asked, pulling a cup from a cabinet above his head.

“Cream, some sugar,” John offered quietly. “I dunno. Anything’s fine.”

Alex looked at him like he had just grown a second head. “Wow. You’re gonna be the odd one out here. Everyone in the history department is super picky about their coffee.”

“I normally drink tea,” John said weakly, the words ‘odd one out’ churning his stomach.

“I see. Well, the caffeine will help you today, I promise.” Alex stuck the cup under the Keurig machine, put a K-Cup into it and hit ‘brew.’

They waited in an awkward silence as the coffee poured into the cup.

Alex added some cream and a packet of sugar before handing the warm mug to John, who made a little noise of pleasure when his hands closed around it.

Alex huffed a laugh, grabbing his papers off the counter and striding back over to the couch, where his briefcase and phone laid, disregarded.

“Well, it was great to meet you John. Come back here during break and I’ll introduce you to the other teachers,” Alex offered, heading for the door. “I’m gonna go prep my class.”

“Good to meet you, too, Alex,” John said smoothly. “That sounds good. See you then.”

Alex left and John let a smile overcome his face.

He, too, left the room and headed back to his classroom.

He was shocked to find an assembly of students stood around his door.

Ducking to the front of the crowd with a few hurried apologies, he unlocked the door and shoved it inwards before heading for his desk.

He set the mug down and glanced at the clock to realize with panic that it was 7:15. He had 15 minutes until the first bell rang.

“Hello, welcome,” he stuttered, eyes scanning the five students that had filed into his room.

“Hi.” one replied.

“Is there a seating chart?” another asked.

“N-no,” John said. “Pick wherever you’d like.”

That pleased the kids, and they all sat down rather near one another as John tried to start up his computer and the smartboard.

He just intended on getting to know his students today. That wouldn’t be so hard, would it?

He had just barely gotten everything up and running by the time the last kid burst into the room. As the door slammed behind her, the bell rang sharply.

John looked up to see 40 pairs of expectant eyes staring back at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello i did the thing i wasn't going to do and posted two chapters in a row but honestly i dont even care. updates for this story will probably just be whenever i heckin feel like it, but with no less than 1 per week. sound alright??
> 
> also all the comments that this is already getting is making me so happy, i love you all !!


	3. Fitting In

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW anxiety attack but not too detailed!

His thoughts had instantly dissolved as the unrelenting gazes of the students seemed to bore into his skull.

He snapped out of it and stood up, accidentally sending his wheeled chair rolling to the side- he glanced at it sheepishly before looking back at his students.

“Hello. I’m John Laurens.”

“We know,” some kid said calmly, from the front row.

“Right. Uh, call me Mr. Laurens, please,” he said, a bit quieter than he intended. “I’m teaching you all AP European History this year.”

“We know that, too,” a kid called from the back, a bit less kindly.

“Right. Of course. Uh, I know this is probably your first year taking an AP class, as you all are sophomores-.”

“Is it your first year teaching an AP class, too?” the same kid from the back quipped. A few laughed, but the girl at the front shushed him.

“Thank you. Now, I’d appreciate it if you were quiet while I was speaking,” John snapped, harsher than he expected, and the room fell silent.

_“I’d appreciate it if you didn’t talk over me, boy.” he had snapped, clenching his fist and advancing nearer to John._

John stumbled back a step and shook his head. “Sorry. Right. Uh- today we’re just going to get to know each other, and the real work will start tomorrow. Sound okay?”

A few kids shrugged and exchanged glances, before promptly pulling out their phones and proceeding to ignore each other.

John sat down in his chair and sighed deeply, reaching for his mug and taking a gulp of the coffee before slamming it back onto his desk.

The noise startled the students, and all of their heads turned to look at the mug.

“He has Hamilton’s mug,” some guy muttered.

A chorus of ‘oh’ rung out across the room.

After that, John’s first period class actually listened to him.

When the bell rang at the end of the period, no one moved from their seats. They all looked at John expectantly.

Quickly realizing what they were expecting, he sputtered a “Oh, go ahead!”

They all lurched up, grabbed their stuff and fled from the room, but John didn’t miss the hurried ‘goodbye’ that one girl- he thinks her name was Jenny- shouted, and the ‘have a nice day!’ that Paul had yelled.

When his second period class entered the room, John was smiling.

Already more confident, he waited until the last bell rang before rising from his chair and facing the assembly of students standing confusedly around his room.

“There isn’t a seating chart,” John started off, his voice surprisingly strong. “Pick wherever you’d like, but I’ll move you if I have to!”

The kids murmured a few things to each other before the class all found suitable locations for themselves and dropped into the small desks. It went much smoother than first period had.

“Hello, all. I’m John Laurens, but please call me Mr. Laurens,” he said, voice quivering a bit on the very last word-.

_“Laurens!” he had spat. “You do not talk to me that way.”_

He shivered undetectably before focusing back on his students. “I’ll be teaching AP European History this year. Today, all we’re going to do is get to know each other and go over the syllabus.”

The kids were silent, and John didn’t know whether to count that as a victory or not.

“Please turn to any of your neighbors and just chat. I don’t care what you do, play an introduction game, or talk about dogs- just talk a little bit, yeah?” John said, relaxing a bit.

The kids seemed to all shrug before doing as asked, and soon the classroom was filled with a strong murmur of voices.

John smiled again, sitting back in his chair. Finding a moment to himself, he peeled up the cuff on his shirt sleeve and was surprised to see a little rivulet of blood rolling down his wrist.

Cursing under his breath, he grabbed a tissue from the box on his desk and stuffed it up his sleeve, hoping that the blood wouldn’t stain his shirt.

When he looked up, he saw half of his class with their eyes trained on him.

“Just a scratch that started bleeding,” John lied easily. “Get back to your neighbors.”

They all did, except for one girl near the front. She had glasses and short brown hair- and a kind face. She stared at him for one moment longer before reaching into her backpack and pulling out a package of rolled gauze.

She glanced around before walking briskly up to his desk and handing him the gauze before stepping back to her seat.

“Thank you,” John said quietly, cutting a piece of the gauze and quickly wrapping it around his wrist.

Maybe these kids weren’t all so bad.

By the time break rolled around, John was already feeling exhausted. He had completely forgotten to even mention the syllabus during second period, and the entire class had spent the whole period talking to each other. Granted, John had wanted that- but only for half the time.

He didn’t know if letting them talk the entire time would make him more favored, or less respected.

As he had promised Alex, he set off towards the staff room as soon as the bell rang. As he stepped outside and headed down the side of the building, he noticed that it was incredibly windy out. The palm trees were being whipped around, fronds breaking off ever so often, and the signs posted around campus were flapping dangerously.

He put a hand up to pin his hair to his head- not wanting to have to re-do his, frankly, elegant bun- as he pushed the door to the staff lounge open.

First, he saw Alex- weirdly, he was sat on the couch with another man, who had his arms wrapped around Alex- as the latter seemed to be shaking.

Furrowing his brow and full of concern, John strode over to where the two men were.

“What’s going on?” he asked, crouching down near Alex and putting a hand on his knee.

At the contact, Alex startled and flinched backwards. John swallowed and removed his hand.

“Hello. You are John Laurens, correct?” the man holding Alex said, looking at John with warm caramel eyes. “I am Gilbert, but please, call me Lafayette.”

“Okay. Yes, I’m John-,” John nodded. “Good to meet you- Lafayette, you said?”

“Yes. Now, Alex mentioned you. Do me a favor, yes?” Lafayette had a very thick French accent. “Fetch me a cup of water.”

A bit puzzled, John complied and rooted around the cabinets in the room until he found a plastic cup, which he filled with tap water before bringing it over to Lafayette.

“What’s going on, Laf?” Alex mumbled, his eyes staring ahead blankly. “Windy. What’s happening?”

“Shh, mon cher, tu es en sécurité,” Lafayette soothed, in French, and John was puzzled.

“J'ai peur,” Alex mumbled, still shaking.

Lafayette had his arms locked around the boy, and Alex was leaning back heavily against him.

“He does not like the wind,” Lafayette explained to John. “Makes him anxious.”

This was beyond anxious.

“Laf?” a voice boomed from the other side of the room and John snapped his head around.

A tall, heavy-set man appeared with a concerned expression and a bottle of pills held in his hand.

“Here, Herc!” Laf called, a bit quieter. Herc walked briskly until he, too, was kneeling beside Alex.

“Hey, Alex. I have your pills.”

Alex just nodded his head.

Herc tipped two little blue pills into his palm before giving them to Alex, who chucked them into his mouth and took a gulp of the water from the cup.

Laf rubbed a hand up and down Alex’s arm soothingly, sharing a glance with Herc.

“Thanks, Herc. Hey, this is John Laurens. He is the new APEURO teacher.” Lafayette said, gesturing to John with a tip of his head.

“Hi. I’m Hercules Mulligan,” he said, extending his hand to John, who shook it a bit shyly. “I teach Economics.”

“John Laurens. APEURO,” John said, aware that Lafayette had already said that. “But, you know that.”

Hercules chucked, “Yes. Anyway, break is going to be over soon. Laf, I’ll take Alex back to his class, yeah?”

“Sure,” Lafayette nudged Alex to his feet, and Joh noticed that he was a bit more stable now. “You’re okay, Alex.”

For the first time, Alex’s eyes locked onto John’s and a little smile split his face.

Hercules and Lafayette exchanged a glance.

John just rubbed the back of his neck and glanced down at the floor.

What had he just gotten himself into with this job? Where the teachers had anxiety attacks in between classes and everyone was almost as socially awkward as he was?

John had a feeling that he’d fit in better than he’d thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> third daily chapter in a row look at y'all.
> 
> well here we go, look at that, alex has issues too!! i like causing pain to our fave characters!! i am sorry!


	4. Whiteboard Markers

John had sat at his desk, in an empty classroom, for ten minutes before he realized that he didn’t have a 3rd period class. His 3rd period was his prep period.

He laughed at himself for a minute, a bit hysterically, before standing up and heading out of his classroom and over to the break room again. He brought the mug that Alex had given him earlier, and brewed himself another cup of coffee, before wandering back to his classroom and then figuring that he might use his prep period to do something productive- like prep.

He pulled out the copies of the syllabus he’d printed out and placed one on every desk, because at least 4th period would get to go over it- before proceeding to collect them all back up as he realized he’d rather have all his classes on the same page.

He took one of the whiteboard markers he’d bought out of the package- and, using the neon green one- wrote the date and his name in the top right corner of the whiteboard- before realizing that his whiteboard was actually a smartboard, and frantically erasing the marker before it became impossible to get off.

He instead crossed the room to where his _actual_ whiteboard was- on the wall directly opposite his desk, and writing his name and date on _that_ one.

He then moved all the expo markers over to the actual whiteboard, before realizing there was no place to hold them there, and putting them back on the rim of the smartboard.

Before he knew it, he was watching his 4th period class file into the room.

He went through his whole ‘hello, I’m John Laurens’ speech and then commanded them to get to know their neighbors. This was the last period before lunch, so they were a bit rowdy, but caused no problems. For AP kids, they weren’t really what he’d expect- but he reserved judgement for until he knew them better.

As the lunch bell rang and his class hurried for the door, John realized that he hadn’t brought food. So, he just wandered back over to the staff room in hopes of- he didn’t know what.

When he pushed in the door, he immediately noted that- damn, it was crowded now- and _holy fucking shit_ why is Charles Lee here?

Moreover, why is Alexander Hamilton arguing with him at the teacher’s table?

Not knowing whether to turn tail and run, or walk over there, John was left with no choice when Alex yelled, “Hey, John! C’mere, I want you to meet the biggest douchebag in the world.”

“Rude, Hamilton!” Lee said, a bit outraged. He hadn’t connected John’s name yet.

“Coming,” John had said, a bit quietly, but Lee had heard and then whirled around to face John while the wickedest smile spread up on his face.

John instantly felt fear clutch his chest but he pressed on, walking over to Alex and standing behind his chair- afraid to sit and be at eye-level with Lee.

“Sit, why don’t you?” Lee had said, voice sticky like molasses, and John found himself complying out of habit.

“Lee, this is John Laurens. John, this is Charles Lee,” Alex said, a bit coldly, gesturing between the two with his plastic fork. He seemed to be eating leftover pancakes out of a takeout container.

“We’ve met,” Lee practically purred, his eyes drilling into John’s skull- and yes, John needed to leave _now._

Alex seemed to sense the hint of predatory nature in Lee’s voice because he set his fork down and pushed his pancakes away from him. John found himself unconsciously leaning closer to Alex, just by an inch- even though he hardly knew the man!

John noted, belatedly, that Alex seemed to be doing fine since his previous anxiety attack- granted, it was no longer windy, either.

“You’ve met Lee?” Alex questions, leaning to murmur in John’s ear, “You good?”

John just shook his head briskly and Alex straightened up, placing his hands on the table and leaning towards Lee. “Lovely chat, Lee, but I and John need to discuss some things now. Mind giving us a bit?”

“No problem, Hamilton,” Lee drawled, eyes locked on John as he stood up and stalked away from the table.

Holy shit.

John didn’t know how fast he was breathing until Alex had a hand on his arm and someone was telling him to ‘slow down your breathing, c’mon John.’

“What did he do to you?” Alex asked, almost humorously, as if he was trying to lighten the mood- but his face darkened when John seemed to pale before his eyes.

John just shook his head and sat up straighter, Alex’s hand shifting off his arm, as he took a trembling breath. He would not have an anxiety attack on his first day of work.

“He works here?” John asked weakly.

“Teaches Government,” Alex replied quickly, leaning down to look John in the eyes. “Hey. You good?”

“Yeah, yeah.” John shifted away from Alex again. “I’m good.”

Alex obviously didn’t believe him, but leaned back to give John some personal space. “Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry its so short but i wanted to get something out for you all. <3 
> 
> been a few days. my deepest apologies. been rather busy!


End file.
